Tuesday, May 10, 2016


Elsie, tonight you told me you were afraid of the dark. "Me scared dark, momma." I kissed the palm of each of your sweet little hands and told you that when you got scared to use momma's kisses- to press them to your cheek. You held onto those kisses so very tight. You are a busy girl and into everything but I adore you, so so much.

My sweet Grace, you have found your toes! Your feet are your new favorite toy. This has to be one of the cutest milestones. I got out the 6-9 month jammies for you today. You are growing so fast, my beautiful girl. I rocked you as I nursed you and you were so sleepy- like the new baby girl I brought home from the hospital not so long ago. I want to memorize your sweet baby smell and the weight of you in my arms.

You are so loved, my babies.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Grace Jean

We are so very in love with our Grace Jean who arrived on January 30th! I thought I was carrying a big baby, but was still surprised when they weighed her in at 8 pounds 15 oz, and measured at 22.5 inches long- but very proud. My labor was short and fierce with this one! I got out of the shower Saturday morning and noticed I was bleeding. I started to majorly panic because I didn't know if I was just going into labor ( 5 days past my due date) or if something was wrong. I called my dr and all she said was "It's time to go to the hospital!" I quickly got off the phone and we called Elliott's  mom over to take care of my Elsie. I started to tear up, I was so panicked but I wanted to stay strong for her and for her to feel secure as we said goodbye. We took off in the car and I started to google what bleeding this late in the game could mean and it was horrifying. I put my phone away as it was being blown up with well meaning family members wanted updates. I wanted an update! We made it to the hospital and they thought I might have a tear in my placenta & since I was already dilated to a 3 and had an induction date for the following day, they decided not to wait around and to get baby here asap! I could feel baby kicking and I felt at ease that we were in good hands and that everything would be ok.

They started me on Pitocin right away, and BOY does that stuff work. There was an hour where I felt as though I was going to be in labor FOREVERRR and things picked up so quickly. My contractions started coming HARD and fast. From the time I told the nurse things were getting iffy and we need to get the epidural man over here, to the time that he actually got there, I was in searing pain and holding Elliott's hands so very tight.  They weren't sure that there would be enough time for it to take effect before baby got here. Thank goodness it did. Hallelujah!! My last hour of labor was cake before it was time to push. I am not sure exactly how many pushes it took to get here here, but this wasn't my first baby and I knew heck of a lot better what to do. I was so much more motivated to push more effectively and I remember asking "is she out yet!?" I knew when she was and I was much more with it than I was with Elsie. I remember them telling me she had lots of hair and that she was big and when they placed her on my chest I was just completely enamored. I remember Elsie's wide eyes when they laid her on my chest and her screaming but Grace didn't like the bright lights and kept her eyes closed. She had the longest fingers and fingernails!! I was on a post birth high holding my sweet babe and filled with so much energy. I could walk after my epidural and even though it was shaky I was so happy because I had been rendered so helpless last time with Elsie loosing too much blood and whatnot. From my first contractions getting her here took 5 ish hours.  Our hospital experience was so much smoother because we knew the drill and we have done the newborn thing before. It was really peaceful and even though we were exhausted I really loved that time to just have nothing on my to do list but snuggle and nurse my new baby girl!

to be continueeeeddddd

Saturday, January 16, 2016

On being a mother

I have loved you for always.
Long before your first kicks or coos.
You were always mine
From the days when you were just a dream baby
I loved you when you grew inside my tummy
Even when you left deep stretch marks on my side
If that is what I had to pay for you, then of course it was worth it
If you could see my heart- it would probably look the same
Stretched beyond capacity
With all my love
And  also pain
Because you're sad is my sad
And with how much my love grows for you each day it's also torn
by how quickly each day goes by
I rock you and sing to you before bed
Feeling already that I will miss this very much someday
For this is what I was meant to be-
a mother

39 weeks.

Baby girl the second is showing no signs of busting a move on out of my womb anytime soon. She is very comfy in there, as opposed to myself out here carrying her. I have somewhat lost control of both  my bladder and emotions. The last days are such a waiting game! However, I have settled in and have just become contented with the fact that I will go past my due date like with Elsie Lou. I am just so very excited to meet her and for her to join our family!!!! This pregnancy has been SO DIFFERENT.  For starters- I never retained water like I did with miss E. I retained  A TON of water with that lovey child. At this point I have gained about 20 pounds less than I did the first time.  Also Elsie was a large beach ball shape, and this baby is more watermelon. She is all out front!! People  would leap out of their way in my first pregnancy to open doors and grab me shopping carts. This time people often are talking to me and then say "Oh I didn't realize you were pregnant!" That isn't to say that all people feel this way- I still have had my fair share of tactless comments aimed my way. There is no escaping it in pregnancy though! Either you are too big or too small- It doesn't matter. Someone will have an opinion and decide it's their job to share it with you.  My carpal tunnel and sleepless nights have been fewer. I attribute most of these changes to chasing around Lou all day! I am constantly on the go this time and am probably eating better since I make sure Lou eats well throughout the day. I am trying to stay busy and trying to make my days count, rather than counting my days.  Here's to our soon to be family of four!!!

OH! And a binky free update for Lou- to anyone who wonders if there is light at the end of the dark tunnel of pacifier-free doom. THERE IS. And it took two weeks of the hardest days of my life to get us there. I truly truly struggled knowing whether or not I was doing the right thing. I just kept on thinking of that quote that goes something to the tune of, "  the temptation to quit will be greatest right before you see success", and we were already too far down the rabbit hole to turn back. I have my happy girl back, she sleeps better than she ever did with it, and get this- SHE DOESN'T EVEN ASK FOR IT! So there. You can do hard things, too. I have learned so many lessons with miss Lou I feel so much more prepared for baby on the way. Sorry, first child, the learning curve has been impressive.I think the biggest lesson though is  that motherhood is tough, and nobody has it all figured out. It's not for the faint of heart,  this parenting stuff, because it takes your entire heart, and then some.